JESUS' MIDDLE NAME

If you happen to catch your cajones in your zipper, you will probably scream out, "Jesus H. Christ." It helps the pain immediately -- unlike taking two Advil and waiting a half-hour.

Same with slammed fingers in window jams, or under hammers. My whole life I've screamed "Jesus H. Christ," never knowing where the "H" came from, or what it stood for.

Three years ago I did a PNN about this, asking my readers what the "H' stands for in "Jesus H. Christ." Well, the entries are all in now -- thousands in all -- from all corners of the globe (not that a globe has corners), and at this time I'd like to announce the winner.

A Biblical scholar from eastern Long Island sent in the following winning entry:

Harold. That's right. The "H" stands for Harold.

The documentation? Nothing less than the Lord's Prayer: "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be thy name."

There is it was --right under my nose the whole time. Thank you Mr. Baker from eastern Long Island. You know, even though my formal religious training ended after the 6th grade, I do watch the televangelists who dominate the cable TV channels. For instance, last night I watched Jack Van Impe Ministries (channel 10), whose topic was the "Pes-til-en-ces in Revelations."

Rev. Impe was convinced that the Bible foretold of crop-dusting planes spraying anthrax, atomic weapons, space-based lasers, LSD addiction, and airplanes flying into tall buildings, citing chapter and verse the obscure references. I must say, he had me going. Damned if we don't face each and every one of those threats today!

Regarding the latter -- the planes flying into tall buildings-- I only wish our impish president had gotten that 2000 year old intelligence, if not his Presidential Daily Brief.

Anyway, Rev. Impe prayed for the half-hearted Christians who fill the pews every Sunday, but who don't commit to the Lord by sending him $66.20 a month (for Revelations 66/20).

On Jack Van Impe Ministries, every sermon is a different chapter and verse in the Bible, and its locator number is what you owe the address on your screen: the chapters are the dollars, and the verses are the cents. Though it's a great business model, thank God for us he didn't use the Dewey Decimal System.

Mr. Impe urges his teleflock not to send cash.

"Those regular but half-hearted church goers think..." Rev. Impe mocked, "they think they're going to meet the Lord when Rapture comes. Ha! Are those cheapskates in for a surprise!"

I'm in deep doodoo, I thought. I don't think they had zippers back in Biblical times (I believe their robes had Velcro), but Jesus H. Christ, how many monthly payments had I missed since 1960? Lord, I can only hope that, with a middle name like "Harold," Jesus is the kind, forgiving type.