HOMESICK AND HEARTBROKEN
I heard on the radio this morning that a man recently robbed a bank and demanded the teller call the police immediately. Why call the police? the confused teller inquired. As it turned out, the bandit was homesick and he wanted to go back to the prison he had just recently escaped. Jail was the only home the bank robber had known for as long as he could remember, and he was lonely. Your heart has to go out to him. There's a lesson here for our troops.
George Bush spoke before the nation from the White House Library last night, where the Reader of Books told Americans he had heard, loud and clear, their demand for a change of course in Iraq -- and he had a plan. Without cracking a smile, he told his countrymen and women that he would escalate the war and send from 20-50,000 more troops to quell the violence.
Losing the war was not an option for him, the president assured his subjects. How would the ensuing carnage play in his presidential library at Southern Methodist University in Dallas? A slow pullout would be like extracting a tooth slowly, he added. Some things you just don't do incrementally. Tooth removal, Band-Aid- pulling, vote-counting, and decision-making are prime examples, he explained.
Moving down the list of options, Staying the Course would not represent a change of direction, the president reasoned, so he ruled this out as well. Why? Well, if you continue to do the same thing, you know, I mean where's -- like where's the change --you know what I mean?
The only remaining option, he explained, was to double-down our losses and surge. Given that he was speaking to a country full of idiots, it's hard to see the flaw in the president's logic. Americans will buy anything, as long as it doesn't mean bigger government.
The Democrats, meanwhile, are planning to cast symbolic votes of no-confidence to show their disappointment in the president. In a symbol of solidarity, the new symbolic Majority, wielding their new symbolic power, are heeding the symbolic votes symbolized by the midterm elections and symbolically going after the president. That they could go after the symbol of the presidency by impeaching him, has not congealed in their Jello brains.
Which brings me back to the beginning. Americans need to learn from our lonely bank robber. Democrats are sissies and can't be relied on to end this war. The armed forces of the United States need to declare homesickness, go AWOL (as did their Commander in Chief) and return home. Take it from the good bank robber -- compared with the treacherous life on the outside, going back to jail, or the brig, will seem like home.
If, on the other hand, this does not happen, the spouses of American warriors need to take a page from the classics. The wives in Lysistrata denied their lovers' Pelopenises access unless they stopped their warring. It takes one primal urge to beat another and the comedian, Aristophanes, knew that denial ultimately beats denial of denial. Even in ancient Athens -- next to pizza and football -- nothing will get a Spartan's attention like sex. Just say "no" to our Cretan Cheerleader, George W. Bush.
I heard on the radio this morning that a man recently robbed a bank and demanded the teller call the police immediately. Why call the police? the confused teller inquired. As it turned out, the bandit was homesick and he wanted to go back to the prison he had just recently escaped. Jail was the only home the bank robber had known for as long as he could remember, and he was lonely. Your heart has to go out to him. There's a lesson here for our troops.
George Bush spoke before the nation from the White House Library last night, where the Reader of Books told Americans he had heard, loud and clear, their demand for a change of course in Iraq -- and he had a plan. Without cracking a smile, he told his countrymen and women that he would escalate the war and send from 20-50,000 more troops to quell the violence.
Losing the war was not an option for him, the president assured his subjects. How would the ensuing carnage play in his presidential library at Southern Methodist University in Dallas? A slow pullout would be like extracting a tooth slowly, he added. Some things you just don't do incrementally. Tooth removal, Band-Aid- pulling, vote-counting, and decision-making are prime examples, he explained.
Moving down the list of options, Staying the Course would not represent a change of direction, the president reasoned, so he ruled this out as well. Why? Well, if you continue to do the same thing, you know, I mean where's -- like where's the change --you know what I mean?
The only remaining option, he explained, was to double-down our losses and surge. Given that he was speaking to a country full of idiots, it's hard to see the flaw in the president's logic. Americans will buy anything, as long as it doesn't mean bigger government.
The Democrats, meanwhile, are planning to cast symbolic votes of no-confidence to show their disappointment in the president. In a symbol of solidarity, the new symbolic Majority, wielding their new symbolic power, are heeding the symbolic votes symbolized by the midterm elections and symbolically going after the president. That they could go after the symbol of the presidency by impeaching him, has not congealed in their Jello brains.
Which brings me back to the beginning. Americans need to learn from our lonely bank robber. Democrats are sissies and can't be relied on to end this war. The armed forces of the United States need to declare homesickness, go AWOL (as did their Commander in Chief) and return home. Take it from the good bank robber -- compared with the treacherous life on the outside, going back to jail, or the brig, will seem like home.
If, on the other hand, this does not happen, the spouses of American warriors need to take a page from the classics. The wives in Lysistrata denied their lovers' Pelopenises access unless they stopped their warring. It takes one primal urge to beat another and the comedian, Aristophanes, knew that denial ultimately beats denial of denial. Even in ancient Athens -- next to pizza and football -- nothing will get a Spartan's attention like sex. Just say "no" to our Cretan Cheerleader, George W. Bush.
posted by R. Reynolds at 9:46 AM
9 Comments:
Ancient Greeks didn't have televised football and pizza. They were forced to watch tragi-comedies on Fox cable.
Dear Rick:
I heard about the Pelopenis wars. History dicks those who choose Cretan leaders.
lmg
Next to javelin throwing and baklava, sex was a distant third. Deoderant had yet to be invented.
Loved your column today.
I love the "cross-legged" route to peace. Has anyone spoken to Laura about this? --USCE
I thought it was hilarious (I laughed out loud) that Bush, in an attempt to show bipartisan approval of his "plan", trotted out that great "Democrat" Joe (Turncoat) Lieberman. --USCE
Hillary came out against the war. It took her long enough, but better late than never. Unless Gore runs, she's my man.
I am taking a quick break from a very intense poker game I've been playing for the last five years with these two middle Eastern foreign exchange students and wanted to get your advice on what you think of my strategy. My brother tells me you're a pretty good poker player and know a thing or two about such things.
I had watched some of those cable show poker tournaments and saw how effective bluffing can be, so I thought I'd stick my neck out and stay the course on what is really a pretty crappy hand: 2 diamonds, 4 spades, 7 hearts, 9 clubs, and the 10 diamonds. (When the hand was first dealt, I was pretty confident I could draw to a straight.) At any rate, I thought I'd try some of those techniques I had seen on those tournament shows, like looking my opponent in the eyes with steely resolve, the occasional "tsk tsk" at their raises, accompanied by a condescending smirk and laugh with the audacious tone, that kind of thing.
Meanwhile, these two foreign exchange students from the middle east, "Sou Knee" and "Shee Ite", seem to mock me. They look at each other and laugh at my every move. And for every move I made, they'd laugh at me and counter it with another raise. They seem to know something I don't and I even think they're cheating. Quite frankly, it's starting to rattle me a bit.
Well, now I'm down to my last 20,000, so I figured I'd go "all in." This is it, man. I'm a little nervous about what my fiancee, co-workers, and extended friends and family are going to think of me if this bluff doesn't intimidate my two opponents into caving in and realizing that I truly do have the better hand than they do, when in fact I'm pretty sure I don't.
So, given your experience with such matters, do you think I can win by going all in (on what is actually nothing more than a desperate move to convince these guys I have the superior hand), or do you think I should pull out altogether? I mean, jeez, I've commited so much for way too long...it seems foolish for me to quit now. I really, really, hate to lose and be proven wrong..it really bugs me.
I need your reply pretty quickly...we're on an agreed-upon bathroom break and it's gettin' a bit "hairy" now.
On second thought, who am I kidding? I've never listened to anyone's advice before. Never mind. I'm the decider.
They're back at the table now and sound pretty angry. They're even yelling at each other! I think they're cracking. I think I have a chance to win this thing after all!!!
I'll let you know how it goes. I feel better already!
Well Rob, I'm not much of a poker player, but rather than taking prophylactic measures, I prefer pulling out. Why take chances with the "Sou Knees" and "Shee Ites" of the world, when you're doubling down on a bad hand. You don't want to do what Woody Allen and Moktada did and screw the Sou Knees behind the Mia's back.
I've heard that when families come and he "hugs" them he runs his hands up and down the back to make sure they aren't wired. Everything is always about him.
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