HAGGARD BUT HETERO
After an intense, twenty-one day, closed-door session between the homo megachurch reverend and four ministers, one of the board ministers came forward and pronounced Ted Haggard "completely heterosexual." The board member who oversaw the three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard, said the disgraced minister emerged convinced he is "So not gay.''
Rev. Ralph, Rev. Haggard's lover of 3 years, also met with the press to declare that "Ted is completely heterosexual. That is something he discovered when God reminded him of the fortune he (and I) were about to lose."
Declaring the conversion a "divine intervention," Rev. Ralph told PNN that God calmly talked things over with Rev. Haggard, and they came to a "mutual understanding" that he would no longer be gay, in exchange for a cut of any future book and movie rites.
Calling the three-year homosexual frolic "an episode of acting out," the ministers said Rev. Haggard's extramarital affair with the Rev. Tim Ralph wasn't a constant thing, but episodic. Immediately the Bush administration ordered the Army to change it's slogan to: "Don't ask. Don't act out."
Haggard, who resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals after his sexual misconduct became public, had admitted to engaging in anal sex while snorting crystal meth to heighten the experience. He was later forced out of the New Life Church that he founded in his basement. The 14,000 member church soon outgrew the basement, cozy as it had become.
Haggard admitted to his wife that some ''sexual immorality'' had taken place, but that he hadn't enjoyed it.
Sunday, Haggard informed church members that he and his wife, Gayle, would pursue master's degrees in psychology to erase the demons that had invaded his id. The e-mail said the Haggards hadn't decided where to move, but the Rev. Mike Ware of Westminster said the group recommended they move way out of town--like Ithaca, NY--and the family agreed.
Rev. Ware told PNN, "Ithaca will be a good place for Ted. It's hard to heal in Colorado Springs right now, what with all the assault rifles. Ted's 'H' issue is like an open wound. He needs to get somewhere where he can get the wound healed."
"Besides, we need our ministers to cease licking the lolly and tootin' the meth," Ware added.
Though less lucrative than the God business, the oversight board strongly urged Haggard to go into secular work.
After an intense, twenty-one day, closed-door session between the homo megachurch reverend and four ministers, one of the board ministers came forward and pronounced Ted Haggard "completely heterosexual." The board member who oversaw the three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard, said the disgraced minister emerged convinced he is "So not gay.''
Rev. Ralph, Rev. Haggard's lover of 3 years, also met with the press to declare that "Ted is completely heterosexual. That is something he discovered when God reminded him of the fortune he (and I) were about to lose."
Declaring the conversion a "divine intervention," Rev. Ralph told PNN that God calmly talked things over with Rev. Haggard, and they came to a "mutual understanding" that he would no longer be gay, in exchange for a cut of any future book and movie rites.
Calling the three-year homosexual frolic "an episode of acting out," the ministers said Rev. Haggard's extramarital affair with the Rev. Tim Ralph wasn't a constant thing, but episodic. Immediately the Bush administration ordered the Army to change it's slogan to: "Don't ask. Don't act out."
Haggard, who resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals after his sexual misconduct became public, had admitted to engaging in anal sex while snorting crystal meth to heighten the experience. He was later forced out of the New Life Church that he founded in his basement. The 14,000 member church soon outgrew the basement, cozy as it had become.
Haggard admitted to his wife that some ''sexual immorality'' had taken place, but that he hadn't enjoyed it.
Sunday, Haggard informed church members that he and his wife, Gayle, would pursue master's degrees in psychology to erase the demons that had invaded his id. The e-mail said the Haggards hadn't decided where to move, but the Rev. Mike Ware of Westminster said the group recommended they move way out of town--like Ithaca, NY--and the family agreed.
Rev. Ware told PNN, "Ithaca will be a good place for Ted. It's hard to heal in Colorado Springs right now, what with all the assault rifles. Ted's 'H' issue is like an open wound. He needs to get somewhere where he can get the wound healed."
"Besides, we need our ministers to cease licking the lolly and tootin' the meth," Ware added.
Though less lucrative than the God business, the oversight board strongly urged Haggard to go into secular work.
posted by R. Reynolds at 8:32 AM
14 Comments:
spewed coffee all over dashboard. tnks.
praise the lord.
bh
To the first anonymous: You should put down the Blackberry while driving. God help us should you appear in our rear view mirror. Whoops, g2g. Cop behind me.
It's reasonable to assume that Ted and his fellow ministers spent a fair amount of time on their knees during the counseling session.
So now we find that not only did God want the bears to loose, He doesn't want homosexuals working in his business. Isn't that against the law?
Excellent point USCE. I'm going to look right into this. Any lawyers out there?
PS: Despite Joltin' Joe's penchant for the illegal gaming profession, I think "Da-Bears" loss was a legal, if not blessed, event.
Yes, I'm a lawyer. It's not legal as long as they want to keep their tax-exempt status. Keep in mind, if banning queers were legal, the church would lose their lay.
Rick, I'm a base jumping para- legal, does that count? Without homosexuals, there would be no church.
Fat Alice
Lawyer Dan here:
Church officials are no more bound to ordain homosexuals than to hire atheist pew sweepers or teach Darwin's wacky theory of evolution. But those who are bound must be confined to the rectory.
Rick, was that DaBears or DeBeers? With Valentine's Day all over the news, I get so confused.
jane c
Attorney Jones at your service. Discriminatory hiring practices pursuant to, yet not limited by, the extent to which said practice is of a secular sexual nature, is up to the discretion of the governing authority, whether that covenant be between man and God, man and man, or man and hand. If, after cross, it's God, you're fucked.
To Fat Alice:
Attractive white male in mid- forties seeks plump base-jumping paralegal for fun and levity.
jr10168
Is it possible to discover you're not gay after a 3-year homosexual affair? I'm having trouble understanding this.
One man's illegal gaming is another's bread & butter.
Joe Namath and the Jets plus Willis Reed and the Knicks paid my college tuition for two years.
17 points.
10-to-1 to win the game outright.
The over/under was 35.
And do you have any idea what the odds were on game seven with Willis playing on one leg?
1978 Yankess (coming back to the Bronx down two games to none) gave me the down payment on my first house.
Ronald Reagan versus Walter Mondale (49-1) got us out of an attached two-family house in Queens.
Okay. I took a beating when Carlos Beltran stood there with the bat on his shoulder with the bases loaded and two outs in the bottom of the ninth.
c'est la vie.
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