DIPLOMAT BUSH

President Bush's speech before the UN yesterday was delayed due to the military coup unfolding in Thailand. The Thai army had encircled the presidential palace and government buildings with tanks while the country's president was in New York City to speak before the UN.

Asked about his thoughts regarding Thailand's first coup in 15 years, President Bush said, "Hey, why do you think I sent my army to Iraq?"

Pressed on whether he was worried about the declaration of martial law and the suspension of the constitution, Mr. Bush answered, "You mean in Thailand?"

The president's speech was delayed because of rumors that our proxy army, the Army Corps of Engineers, was building levees around the White house, the Capitol and other government buildings while the president was away.

The rumors, at least regarding the Capitol, proved to be untrue.

Speaking before a pissed-off audience of world leaders, President Bush went head to head with Iranian president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who wasn't present. Ahma, as he is known by his friends, preferred to sit out Bush's speech as well as the luncheon where alcohol was being served.

Alcohol is forbidden among Islamic Jihadists, lest their judgment be impaired. President Bush eyed Ahmadinejad's wine glass, but restrained himself from backsliding. All the other world leaders were drinking heavily.

President Bush, who spoke first, demanded that Ahmadinejad stop meddling in Iraq, start dismantling his nuclear program, and to lose his ridiculous looking, off-white sports coat.

Ahmadinejad was relieved the American president hadn't called attention to his hairpiece.

Ahmadinejad, for his part, demanded the US stop controlling far-away countries, stop controlling the UN, and to stop voting for idiot presidents.

Taking offense to this, Mr. Bush later called Ahmadinejad a Hitler-like figure who denies the Holocaust and wants to wipe Israel off the map.

Through reporters, Bush told Iran's president he would wipe Iran off the map if he ever says that again. He also said that Ahmadinejad was short and ugly.

Ahmadinejad threw two H-bombs at Bush: Hegemony and Hypocrisy, to which Bush replied, "I'll do what I like with my money, and if he doesn't dismantle his nucular facilities, I'll nuke the bejeesus out of him."

"Then again," the president added, "we always prefer going the patient, diplomatic route, just like we did in Iraq." The President then added, "Then again, we never take any options off the table -- just countries."

Conspicuously missing from the President's speech was any talk of the North Korean nuclear threat. With North Korea's growing arsenal of A bombs and missiles, and Osama still on the loose, it is widely believed that America's days, if not the president's, are numbered.

Also missing from the president's speech was talk of Islamic fascists. Bush had been advised that a billion angry Muslims was sufficient for now.