LESSONS IN THE NEWS
Okay then. It's good to be back from vacation, all refreshed, and pulling the levers of power at the PNN command center. There's much news to report so let's get right to it.
Like 80 million other people, I watched the Oscars to see if Al Gore would declare his candidacy. He didn't, but what struck me was that Gore's head sits directly atop his shoulders now, like a warm globe. Whatever he's been eating, I want to stay away from.
Democrats were hoping Al would put an end to the Hillary-Obama feud and dash, once and for all, any speculation that neither are electable. But for the only Democrat to be elected president in over a decade, Al was stiffer than Alan Arkin, the former, foul-mouthed, next-door neighbor of mine who won an Oscar for playing himself in the movie "Little Miss Sunshine."
Puzzling as some of the awards were, like Best Makeup for Al Gore's rouge, the commercials were most perplexing. Cadillac ran a spot that featured their new ad campaign, www.MyCadillacStory.com. Other than my ex-pimp, I don't know anyone who has bought a Cadillac in the last 30 years, let alone one with a story to share.
Unless you're an octogenarian from Miami, who the hell is going to admit he or she bought a Cadillac? So General Motors spends $2.5 million for the 30-second spot and sold (1) fleece-trimmed car to a brothel in Broward County, the home of the hanging chad. And GM wonders why they're going broke!
Elsewhere in the news, a robber was caught on Eastern Long Island after a long series of liquor store break-ins. The man had a pattern of stealing inexpensive wines, all under $10 a bottle. When the detective questioned the man as to why he didn't go for the more expensive wines, the booze bandit replied indignantly, "I'm a thief, not a spendthrift."
For you parents of young teenagers, there is a good lesson here.
Finally, Dick Cheney finished off his trip to Pakistan by following the Taliban Trail into Afghanistan. Shortly after the Vice President's arrival at the Bagram Base, a powerful suicide blast rocked the US Military facility.
Taliban spokesman Qari Yousef Ahmadi said they knew that Cheney would be visiting the base. But Major William Mitchell disputed his claim, saying Cheney -- on a super-secret visit -- was in a whole other part of the base and could not have been the target -- though he admitted the Veep's shoes were blown off.
Mr. Ahmadi, in a Rodney Dangerfield rendition of "I don't get no respect," insisted the Taliban knew of the Cheney visit. After a "Did--Didn't, Did--Didn't, Did--Didn't" shouting match between Ahmadi and Mitchell, the American Major did concede that it was a striking coincidence.
Spokesman Tony Snow pointed out that the Bush Administration, famous for its stealth, was so stealthy that, on 9/11, al Qaeda was caught totally unaware the World Trade Center and the Pentagon were being protected.
In closing, I took a lot of heat for going on vacation last week and abandoning my readers. One reader complained, "You've created a monster. You can't just leave us high and dry." Another threatened to cancel his subscription.
Right off the bat, let me point out that I know of no mechanism for canceling your subscription -- short of changing your email address. Though many of you may not know this, PNN brags a readership that is nearly 60% literate. As for the remaining 40%, thank you for not complaining.
Okay then. It's good to be back from vacation, all refreshed, and pulling the levers of power at the PNN command center. There's much news to report so let's get right to it.
Like 80 million other people, I watched the Oscars to see if Al Gore would declare his candidacy. He didn't, but what struck me was that Gore's head sits directly atop his shoulders now, like a warm globe. Whatever he's been eating, I want to stay away from.
Democrats were hoping Al would put an end to the Hillary-Obama feud and dash, once and for all, any speculation that neither are electable. But for the only Democrat to be elected president in over a decade, Al was stiffer than Alan Arkin, the former, foul-mouthed, next-door neighbor of mine who won an Oscar for playing himself in the movie "Little Miss Sunshine."
Puzzling as some of the awards were, like Best Makeup for Al Gore's rouge, the commercials were most perplexing. Cadillac ran a spot that featured their new ad campaign, www.MyCadillacStory.com. Other than my ex-pimp, I don't know anyone who has bought a Cadillac in the last 30 years, let alone one with a story to share.
Unless you're an octogenarian from Miami, who the hell is going to admit he or she bought a Cadillac? So General Motors spends $2.5 million for the 30-second spot and sold (1) fleece-trimmed car to a brothel in Broward County, the home of the hanging chad. And GM wonders why they're going broke!
Elsewhere in the news, a robber was caught on Eastern Long Island after a long series of liquor store break-ins. The man had a pattern of stealing inexpensive wines, all under $10 a bottle. When the detective questioned the man as to why he didn't go for the more expensive wines, the booze bandit replied indignantly, "I'm a thief, not a spendthrift."
For you parents of young teenagers, there is a good lesson here.
Finally, Dick Cheney finished off his trip to Pakistan by following the Taliban Trail into Afghanistan. Shortly after the Vice President's arrival at the Bagram Base, a powerful suicide blast rocked the US Military facility.
Taliban spokesman Qari Yousef Ahmadi said they knew that Cheney would be visiting the base. But Major William Mitchell disputed his claim, saying Cheney -- on a super-secret visit -- was in a whole other part of the base and could not have been the target -- though he admitted the Veep's shoes were blown off.
Mr. Ahmadi, in a Rodney Dangerfield rendition of "I don't get no respect," insisted the Taliban knew of the Cheney visit. After a "Did--Didn't, Did--Didn't, Did--Didn't" shouting match between Ahmadi and Mitchell, the American Major did concede that it was a striking coincidence.
Spokesman Tony Snow pointed out that the Bush Administration, famous for its stealth, was so stealthy that, on 9/11, al Qaeda was caught totally unaware the World Trade Center and the Pentagon were being protected.
In closing, I took a lot of heat for going on vacation last week and abandoning my readers. One reader complained, "You've created a monster. You can't just leave us high and dry." Another threatened to cancel his subscription.
Right off the bat, let me point out that I know of no mechanism for canceling your subscription -- short of changing your email address. Though many of you may not know this, PNN brags a readership that is nearly 60% literate. As for the remaining 40%, thank you for not complaining.
posted by R. Reynolds at 9:41 AM
12 Comments:
Welcome back. My wife just read me your column.
nuthin' edgy at this years Oscars.
we've all gone to sleep!
remember back to the Bowling for Columbine acceptance speech?
Michael Moore's Oscar Speech Looks Better and Better
"My God, George W. Bush has finally delivered on a promise: to be a uniter, not a divider. We are united as never before about his presidency and his war. Michael Moore's Bowling for Columbine speech looks better and better as the casualties — American and Iraqi — mount. I am sorry that I was in the chorus of naysayers at the time, agreeing with the message but just finding his manner so ... so ... rude. What I wouldn't give now to watch someone at the Oscars willing to stop the show the way he did."
-- Film critic David Edelstein, New York Magazine
As for the remaining 40%, thank you for not complaining.
Hey no one complains about a useless war that is bankrupting our country, or school food that is poisoning our kids. Why should we complain about PNN??
I suspect good old Al the Kiddie's Pal has been eating the same stuff you have -- though his melon did seem to dwarf those of mortal men. The lad needs to run another marathon.
Good to have you back, Master Reynolds.
previous comment sounds like it's coming from that town "gadfly" again. does everything come back to school food? PNN's writer may not be for junk food in schools, but please don't ban the twinkies from his house!
For the record, I don't serve Twinkies at my house. Only Ring Ding wrappers wind up melted to my dryer's drum.
Now both Cheney and the Taliban can be accused of shooting at US officials.
Welcome back, Rick. It appears that Al Gore has positioned himself to deliver a "November surprise" - as a float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade.
Only in America, would a thief be belittled for stealing cheap wine. He was a value thief, and I commend him. BTW, this is why minorities go to jail for a lid of pot while Enron execs walk. Steal a lot, and you're a Republican.
I seem to recall that when you were considering the purchase of the Reynolds Plantation, having Alan Arkin as a neighbor was one of the selling points.
Go figure.
"Other than my ex-pimp"
Wow! This is a whole new side to you that I never knew. I'm not sure whether I like you better or worse. Not that there is anything wrong with being a whore. You could have at least told me.
Nothing wrong with being a whore.
I enjoy my work.
I'm well paid for it.
My clients don't know good from bad anyway.
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