THE SECRET

Following yesterday's market crash, everyone seems pissy. Sure the Big Traders fleeced us for a half a trillion dollars in the S&P 500, and another fifth of a trillion in other American stocks, but I'm not going to let them kick this puppy. Wall Street is not going to pee on my Wheaties. I've got The Secret.

The three and a half percent "correction," as the thefts are euphemistically known, followed the sell-off of China's overheated market and K-Fed's prediction that America, under the leadership of our brain-dead president, would be in recession by year's end. No, it was Ex-Fed Chairman Greenspan who, though retired, still likes to create opportunities for his buddies to sell ahead of the market.

Of course, the real reason for the wealth redistribution was that volatility was down, opportunities were boring, and the big traders needed to stir the pot. It's hardly a secret. The big firms all agree to calibrate their supercomputers to cash in a chunk of their holdings at market high, and after enough cash appears extracted from our sorry savings accounts, all the John Jacab Jingle Alzheimer Schmidts left holding the bag follow suit -- jumping out too late. Then Wall Street buys back the raped assets at a sizable discount, like it did today.

Just as the burned, impoverished, neuron-deficient boomers' memories fade, the cycle repeats itself and the Street strikes again. But this isn't the real secret. I was watching Oprah the other day, and The Secret is out.

The blockbuster bestseller, The Secret, by Rhonda Byrne is, modestly put, the secret to everything. It taps into the attractive power of the universe: the secret to unlimited joy, health, money, relationships, love, youth and paying your back taxes. It achieves this through The Law of Attraction: the complex science of attracting more of what you want, and less of what you don't want.

This is very different from The Law of Detraction: the science of repelling more of what you want, and less of what you don't want. Confused? Well, those who repel less of the unwanted, end up with more unwanted stuff, or so the thinking goes.

In the book leading scientists, authors, and philosophers throughout history reveal The Secret that transformed the lives of every person who ever possessed it...people like Plato, Newton, Carnegie, Beethoven, Leonardo, Lincoln, Edison, Shakespeare, Einstein, and Cher. Inexplicably missing from the list was P.T. Barnum.

Throughout the sorry history of humankind, The Secret has been discovered, coveted, fondled, suppressed, hidden, lost, hunted down, stolen, and ransomed for vast sums of money. Now for the first time in recent memory, The Secret is being converted into cold cash.

Though snippets of The Secret have surfaced in the oral traditions of sex, literature, religion and philosophy, this, to any one's knowledge, is the first time all the pieces of The Secret have come together in one affordable package.

Featured in The Secret is 'Miracle Man' Morris Goodman, and his awe-inspiring recovery from paralysis. Then, Dr. Denis Waitley, trainer of Olympic athletes and Apollo astronauts, explains how The Secret launched their careers. Finally, best-selling authors, philosophers, and doctors in the fields of medicine, quantum physics, and value investing explain the science behind The Secret.

If eradicating disease and acquiring massive wealth is on your agenda, this is the book for you. If it isn't on your agenda, look in the mirror. That impoverished, diseased soul staring back at you isn't Alan Greenspan, Oprah Winfrey, or Rhonda Bryne.