SAFER BUT NOT SAFE

In saying that Americans are safer but not safe, George Bush signaled Tuesday that he expects heightened terrorist alerts to last at least until the midterm massacre.

While kicking off the Congressional campaign season in a speech to the Military Officers Association of America, Mr. Bush pointed out that there haven't been any attacks since 9/11.

"My detractors will tell you there were no foreign terrorist attacks on the homeland prior to 9/11 either, the president said, "but they're being tech-ni-cal. You see, they're getting tech-ni-cal on me."

Addressing whether the world's worst terrorist attack in US history happened on his watch, Mr. Bush said, "No. Technically, I was on vacation."

Likening bin Laden to Hitler and Lenin, "only taller," the president said, "Osama projected his intentions just as effectively."

"Osama gave fair warning of what he was about to do, the president explained. "He even said he would fly airliners into tall buildings, knowing full well I was off on holiday."

According to the president's 23-page terrorism strategy update."...the enemy we face today is not the same enemy we faced on Sept. 11. For one thing, it's much bigger. Now it includes our former allies in the Middle East, all of Europe, most of Latin America and much of Asia. Did I leave anyone out?"

As evidence for the growing terrorist threat, Mr. Bush produced "a grisly al Qaeda manual" that spelled out "Guidelines for Beating and Killing Hostages."

"This was plagiarized from a US army manual at Abu Ghraib, " the president said, incredulously. "Imagine running direct current right to the nipples and not attributing credit. Rumsfeld is beside himself," he added.

"They'll steal anything," the president pointed out. The document laid out plans to occupy and govern Iraq's western Anbar province, including a "No Child Left Alive" education department, a cut-back social services department, a one-party justice department, and an execution unit.

"Hell, that's what we're doing," lamented the president.

"You see, we couldn't be more different. The terrorists who attacked us on September the 11th, 2001, are men without conscience, but they're not madmen," Bush said. "By contrast, I do have a conscience, and I am a madman."

"They kill in the name of a clear and focused ideology, a set of beliefs that are evil but not insane," the president continued. "In contrast, I kill in the name of an unclear and unfocused ideology, with a set of beliefs that are not evil but are insane."

"I hope I've cleared this up," said the president, as he walked from the podium.