LURCHING TOWARD EXTINCTION

I must confess, when John Kerry told a crowd of people that bad students wake up finding themselves in Iraq, I assumed he was talking about George Bush. It was funny -- not hilarious -- but I chuckled.

But when I discovered Kerry was talking about the troops in Iraq, I saluted him for being the true flag-bearer of the Democratic party: able to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

What an asshole. What were you thinking, you tall, ugly man? Too many years in Bean town? You insult the men and women in uniform, and the Yanks Are Coming, the Yanks are Coming -- and they're going to Drum, Drum, Drum you out of politics.

Look, I've said I don't support the troops in Iraq, and I'm offended that Rove has morphed "support the troops" into supporting the president. I get nauseous every time I see another yellow ribbon. Our servicemen and women in Iraq are in a heartbreaking crossfire they can't win, and they need to come home.

That being said, they are the most advanced, educated, and trained fighting force in the world, and they don't need Herman Munster telling them they're flunkies.

Actually, one of my Republican friends has always called Kerry "Lurch" (ala The Adams Family) and when it comes to Democrat Destruction, I'm starting to think the butler did do it. I say to Mr. Kerry: Wasn't your defeat in '04 -- to a proto-human -- humiliating enough without botching jokes and looking goofy just before a critical election?

If my face had more area than the side of a barn, I'd go windsurfing without a sail and stay out of politics. Wasn't Dukakis' popping his bobble head from the tank enough goofyness for one era? Wasn't Bubba's Best Little Whorehouse East of Texas damaging enough? Poor Gore, lurching toward extinction and muttering incoherently about CO2, still looks like he was hit by a Mack truck.

Here we have Lurch strategically identifying service men and women as dummies just as Americans are on the pole lap to sanity.

Then we have Hillary, who has triangulated so often politically, her vision resembles an Etch-A-Sketch by Michael J. Fox.

Next there's Obama, who rhymes with Osama, yet comfortable as Pajamas, making one coherent speech and finding himself "Being There" as the 44th president.

And let's not forget our own Ms. Bela Lugosi, Nancy Pelosi -- looking like Nancy Reagan on steroids -- searching for a congressional blood meal upon becoming majority leader. Someone needs to file down her canines.

At the same time, John Edwards is soft shoeing around the country flashing his pearly whites and looking cute at overweight soccer moms. Meanwhile, Rip Snortin' Howard Dean, dynamic heir to Calvin Coolidge, is skillfully guiding his party from a sugar house in Vermont. And I'm starting to get ulcers.

Alfred E. Newman occupies the White House, Iraq is in flames, the deficit is growing faster than Republican felonies, Conservative homos are coming out of the closet, and Democrats are doing their damnedest to self-destruct? There isn't enough Maalox in the world to quiet my stomach.

Anyway Bilbo -- no, Bubba was not the fat guy thrown before the metaphorical train in Chappaqua. But I'll admit, Muslim Cat Stevens' Peace Train ain't leaving the station if Dems can't get on the right track: which is the left track.