OUT OF POCKET

Okay then. Enough of the sabbatical thing. Bush is toast, and I smell a rat. He's one of ours. My man, Murtha. Anti-war from the beginning, I thought the old guy had guts. But he was not above trading influence for money.

Sure. It was 25 years ago, and Murtha had turned down the $50,000 bribe -- "at this point" -- to use his own words. Murtha clearly was waiting for the "kitty" to get more interesting. We'll get to that in a minute.

I watched the film of the 1980 ABSCAM sting, and the Democratic congressman, scoffing at the paltry amount, appeared to be telling the undercover agent that he had made more money on his paper route back in 1912.

I had a paper route as a kid that taught me the basics of capitalism. Every week I lost between 12 and 15 dollars, which was significant since the most I could earn legitimately from delivering papers was about 10 dollars a week. But my customers stiffed me, and the balance of the receipts I lost due to disorganization or worn pockets.

It was painful paying the Reporter Dispatch my own Christmas money to make up for the shortfall but after all, business is business.

My delivery vehicle was a three-speed Schwinn my father had given me for my birthday. Like all my bikes, it was a second-hand job with the rust painted over, even on the chrome. That the tires were painted too hurt, but it beat walking. Theoretically, I made about seven cents a house, and to listen to my customers' special requests, one would think I was bankrolling millions.

One lady insisted I drop the paper off in a wicker basket beside her kitchen counter. Though this would add considerably to the time of my run, I was willing to go along with it, initially. The first day, I found a huge Maine Coon Cat in the basket and its master sitting suggestively on a kitchen stool wearing nothing but a negligee and a beguiling smile. Not wanting to be the proverbial hand up Mona Lisa's dress, I ran from the house so fast I left the $10 bill she was holding in her teeth.

After that, I was never comfortable with bribes. Usually, I just tossed the paper in the direction of the customer's door and fled right after the dog sunk his teeth into my sorry ankles. Except for the time I broke a window when the paper caught a tailwind, I never got many complaints --but enough about me.

Now, Ms. Nancy "I will not impeach" Pelosi is promoting Murtha to Majority Leader, and suddenly I'm feeling the sting. Murtha, for his part, is decrying the "swift boat style" attacks on his ethics record, and blasting his rival, House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer, for supporting Bush's war.

Congressman Hoyer, currently number two in the House, called Murtha's accusation that he was "pro-war" ridiculous, saying he had sided with Democratic calls for a "phased cut and run."

The Maryland congressman then called Murtha hideously ugly and insinuated he already had commitments from a majority of the caucus going into Tuesday's vote. He also reminded reporters that Murtha had improperly directed business to his brother.

Hoyer had challenged Nancy "I will not impeach" Pelosi back in 2002 over her number one position in the House, while Murtha had supported her bid. Murtha's appointment by Nancy "I will not impeach" Pelosi appears to be payback for that support.

Mississipi Rep. Gene Taylor is supporting Murtha, saying "That's the way democracy is. We all have our hand in the bag. People are going to say bad things about you one week and ask you for a favor the next."

Taylor dismissed the questions about Murtha's ethics saying, "They had their chance to indict that fat-cat a long time ago."