HAGGARD BUT HETERO
After an intense, twenty-one day, closed-door session between the homo megachurch reverend and four ministers, one of the board ministers came forward and pronounced Ted Haggard "completely heterosexual." The board member who oversaw the three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard, said the disgraced minister emerged convinced he is "So not gay.''
Rev. Ralph, Rev. Haggard's lover of 3 years, also met with the press to declare that "Ted is completely heterosexual. That is something he discovered when God reminded him of the fortune he (and I) were about to lose."
Declaring the conversion a "divine intervention," Rev. Ralph told PNN that God calmly talked things over with Rev. Haggard, and they came to a "mutual understanding" that he would no longer be gay, in exchange for a cut of any future book and movie rites.
Calling the three-year homosexual frolic "an episode of acting out," the ministers said Rev. Haggard's extramarital affair with the Rev. Tim Ralph wasn't a constant thing, but episodic. Immediately the Bush administration ordered the Army to change it's slogan to: "Don't ask. Don't act out."
Haggard, who resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals after his sexual misconduct became public, had admitted to engaging in anal sex while snorting crystal meth to heighten the experience. He was later forced out of the New Life Church that he founded in his basement. The 14,000 member church soon outgrew the basement, cozy as it had become.
Haggard admitted to his wife that some ''sexual immorality'' had taken place, but that he hadn't enjoyed it.
Sunday, Haggard informed church members that he and his wife, Gayle, would pursue master's degrees in psychology to erase the demons that had invaded his id. The e-mail said the Haggards hadn't decided where to move, but the Rev. Mike Ware of Westminster said the group recommended they move way out of town--like Ithaca, NY--and the family agreed.
Rev. Ware told PNN, "Ithaca will be a good place for Ted. It's hard to heal in Colorado Springs right now, what with all the assault rifles. Ted's 'H' issue is like an open wound. He needs to get somewhere where he can get the wound healed."
"Besides, we need our ministers to cease licking the lolly and tootin' the meth," Ware added.
Though less lucrative than the God business, the oversight board strongly urged Haggard to go into secular work.
After an intense, twenty-one day, closed-door session between the homo megachurch reverend and four ministers, one of the board ministers came forward and pronounced Ted Haggard "completely heterosexual." The board member who oversaw the three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard, said the disgraced minister emerged convinced he is "So not gay.''
Rev. Ralph, Rev. Haggard's lover of 3 years, also met with the press to declare that "Ted is completely heterosexual. That is something he discovered when God reminded him of the fortune he (and I) were about to lose."
Declaring the conversion a "divine intervention," Rev. Ralph told PNN that God calmly talked things over with Rev. Haggard, and they came to a "mutual understanding" that he would no longer be gay, in exchange for a cut of any future book and movie rites.
Calling the three-year homosexual frolic "an episode of acting out," the ministers said Rev. Haggard's extramarital affair with the Rev. Tim Ralph wasn't a constant thing, but episodic. Immediately the Bush administration ordered the Army to change it's slogan to: "Don't ask. Don't act out."
Haggard, who resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals after his sexual misconduct became public, had admitted to engaging in anal sex while snorting crystal meth to heighten the experience. He was later forced out of the New Life Church that he founded in his basement. The 14,000 member church soon outgrew the basement, cozy as it had become.
Haggard admitted to his wife that some ''sexual immorality'' had taken place, but that he hadn't enjoyed it.
Sunday, Haggard informed church members that he and his wife, Gayle, would pursue master's degrees in psychology to erase the demons that had invaded his id. The e-mail said the Haggards hadn't decided where to move, but the Rev. Mike Ware of Westminster said the group recommended they move way out of town--like Ithaca, NY--and the family agreed.
Rev. Ware told PNN, "Ithaca will be a good place for Ted. It's hard to heal in Colorado Springs right now, what with all the assault rifles. Ted's 'H' issue is like an open wound. He needs to get somewhere where he can get the wound healed."
"Besides, we need our ministers to cease licking the lolly and tootin' the meth," Ware added.
Though less lucrative than the God business, the oversight board strongly urged Haggard to go into secular work.
posted by R. Reynolds at 8:32 AM
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