AMERICAN GAG

Hello PNN nation. What's in the news, you ask. Hell if I know. You probably know better than I do. Two stories did catch my eye however: one about the Rappin' Rovester, and the other about American Idol, Sanjaya. So let's go immediately to the PNN newsroom for these revealing stories.

Karl Rove, at the Radio-Television Correspondents Assn. Dinner, was asked by MC Brad Sherwood what he likes to do for fun. Rove said he liked "rippin' the tops off animals." Sherwood, in disbelief, asked again, and a frisky Rove repeated that he enjoys ripping the tops off animals, "blowin' their heads off," pumpin' his "air" shotgun to emphasize the point. I would have been okay with that, but then he said he was sober.

Then, to the horror of all present, MC Rove started doing The Monkey to some rap music. Now that was upsetting to watch! The group gag reflex was palpable.

I think it was then I got to thinking, wow, we have the top Bush political advisor rippin' the tops off small animals. We've got the Vice President rippin' the tops off small attorneys. And we've got the President rippin' the tops off small countries.

As a nation, we may be beyond impeachment. We may need to put the White House under FBI surveillance. Of course, Cheney's shooting victim, Harry Whittington, is a long time friend of shooter Karl Rove. Lawyer jokes aside, Harry needs to find new friends.

Speaking of rippin the tops off small animals, Congress is looking to peel back the scalp of the Bald Mole working out of the White House. Prosecutors will likely be filleting Rove for his outing of spy, Valerie Plame Wilson.

Elsewhere on the news, Howard Stern is making headlines. Both of him: the disgusting shock jock and wannabe birth father to the Anna Nicole Smith love child. I'm told they're different people, but if you draw long curly hair on Howard K. Stern the lawyer (I'm doing it right now), add the requisite bevy of big-bosomed women, and I defy you to tell them apart. It's clearly a case of multiple personalities. Both are soon to be billionaires, both leave people gagging, and both are skeevy. But one personality has shown to possess some redeeming features.

Howard Toilet-Mouth Stern has decided to go after the most disgusting show on television: American Idol. There may be hope for him yet. In a mockery of the popular show, Howard the Jock has advised all his listeners to vote for Sanjaya, the untalented and unlikely idol who has nonetheless survived by virtue of viewer votes. Week after week, so-called legitimate performers have been voted off the mind-numbingly idiotic show, which itself is banking billions.

All in all, the mirror of all this insanity reflects us. While tens of thousands die due to our strategic blunders, Americans go about their business enriching assholes to buy denial. While some Americans gag on American Idol, others gag on Howard Sterns' poison. Yes, I meant both of him. And we wonder why we're the clowns of world?

When this chapter in our history is written, it will need to be rewritten. My guess is, no one is going to voluntarily admit to being an American in the first decade of the 21st Century.