THE BRAVE NEW WORLD OF VACATIONS
Taking a break from partisan politics for the time being, let's shift the spotlight to the brave new world of vacations.
There was a time when men and women took vacations together. Not any more. Now, everyone is taking "Femcations," and "Mencations." Aside from the stupid names, what the hell is going on here?
Yes. Taking the lead, heterosexual females have been booking "all-girl" vacations, or "Femcations," away from the men folk. Dumping their sack-of-shit males, women have been rediscovering paradise lost since vacationing men, thinking they were extreme athletes, started making extreme fools of themselves. Hospitals (and sharks) in the Caribbean and elsewhere are full of these sorry males, but I digress. Where was I?
Oh yes. Whether signing up for $250 mud facials, or injuring their spines twisting their ample but aging bodies into spiritual yoga positions, women and their chiropractors are having a field day thanks to the new "Femcations."
Now travel agents are packaging heterosexual, all-male trips as well, called "Mencations." No longer do men have to go shopping for shell jewelry and froozies when they're really dying to go deep-sea diving, kite boarding, and ropeless cliff climbing.
Imagine never having to see another grass-skirted clerk sweet-talk your wife into the $200 Hawaiian sarong made in Jakarta. Imagine never having to watch your better half purchase her 40th sun hat. Imagine not having to witness your bronze beauty walk out the Tiki Hut with every sunscreen product from spf 5 to 50.
And imagine not having to endure the little lady mastering your extreme sport without getting hurt --just because she stretched during yoga.
Now that there are "Mencations," balding, pot-bellied men on holiday can injure themselves in confidentiality, without enduring the wrath of the extreme shoppers in their lives.
PNN knows a trend when it sees one. Not far in the future there will be packages for everyone. Consider the following:
Kidcations
Parent-free and cash-free, children on these pre-paid excursions can commandeer islands ala Lord of the Flies, ransacking their rooms, the ecology, and themselves.
"Going Feral" theme parties will draw out the savage in your child, and deprogramming sessions will reintroduce them back into civilization at holiday's end.
Best of all, boys and girls are separated onto separate islands divided by deep, treacherous channels. Brothers and sisters will be sent to different hemispheres.
Army recruiters will be on hand to screen candidates for early admissions into our dwindling all-volunteer army.
Petcations
Now your favorite dogs, cats, snakes and lizards can romp freely and pee anywhere they please.
No longer confined to the holds of airplanes, pets will fly first class on regularly scheduled airlines, eating regular airline food, and enjoying all the legroom a gerbil could ask for.
"Jurassic Park" themed islands will welcome your pet while you're off enjoying your same sex, child-free vacations.
Those animals not eating each other may dine on free-range, native vermin. Others may choose counter service. Think of how pleased your goldfish will be sitting at the sushi bar instead of on it.
"Fixed" dogs and cats will have special sniffing buffets where they can commiserate and plan revenge outside the constraints of the Geneva Convention, or their masters.
Special contests will be held, with the meanest pets winning a free stay at secret CIA detainee centers strategically positioned around the globe.
Bosscations
Send your right wing boss/client on an involuntary tour of Guantanamo bay, or perhaps the Baghdad Airport Hilton.
Kidnapped at the front door, your boss will be blindfolded and transported in his or her very own air cargo container to a war zone of your choosing.
Waterboarding, Electro-Stim, and all-night Karaoke sessions will be offered at the spa, compliments of the US Army.
Minimum wage will be paid to your lucky cheapskate employer on stays longer than 3 years.
Prezcations
Send your president on a permanent, all-paid, brush-cutting vacation in the Red State of Texas, free of Presidential Daily Briefs, terrorist threats, and natural disasters.
Peruse the presidential library, with such titles as, A Child's Introduction to Shakespeare, Abe Lincoln's Hat:The Pop-Up Book, and the classic, The Pet Goat.
View the world from 50" plasma screen TVs in every room-- all set to Fox, or just lounge in the Sensory Deprivation Room, where all outside influences can be ignored.
Second thought, forget "Prezcatons." We've already got them.
Taking a break from partisan politics for the time being, let's shift the spotlight to the brave new world of vacations.
There was a time when men and women took vacations together. Not any more. Now, everyone is taking "Femcations," and "Mencations." Aside from the stupid names, what the hell is going on here?
Yes. Taking the lead, heterosexual females have been booking "all-girl" vacations, or "Femcations," away from the men folk. Dumping their sack-of-shit males, women have been rediscovering paradise lost since vacationing men, thinking they were extreme athletes, started making extreme fools of themselves. Hospitals (and sharks) in the Caribbean and elsewhere are full of these sorry males, but I digress. Where was I?
Oh yes. Whether signing up for $250 mud facials, or injuring their spines twisting their ample but aging bodies into spiritual yoga positions, women and their chiropractors are having a field day thanks to the new "Femcations."
Now travel agents are packaging heterosexual, all-male trips as well, called "Mencations." No longer do men have to go shopping for shell jewelry and froozies when they're really dying to go deep-sea diving, kite boarding, and ropeless cliff climbing.
Imagine never having to see another grass-skirted clerk sweet-talk your wife into the $200 Hawaiian sarong made in Jakarta. Imagine never having to watch your better half purchase her 40th sun hat. Imagine not having to witness your bronze beauty walk out the Tiki Hut with every sunscreen product from spf 5 to 50.
And imagine not having to endure the little lady mastering your extreme sport without getting hurt --just because she stretched during yoga.
Now that there are "Mencations," balding, pot-bellied men on holiday can injure themselves in confidentiality, without enduring the wrath of the extreme shoppers in their lives.
PNN knows a trend when it sees one. Not far in the future there will be packages for everyone. Consider the following:
Kidcations
Parent-free and cash-free, children on these pre-paid excursions can commandeer islands ala Lord of the Flies, ransacking their rooms, the ecology, and themselves.
"Going Feral" theme parties will draw out the savage in your child, and deprogramming sessions will reintroduce them back into civilization at holiday's end.
Best of all, boys and girls are separated onto separate islands divided by deep, treacherous channels. Brothers and sisters will be sent to different hemispheres.
Army recruiters will be on hand to screen candidates for early admissions into our dwindling all-volunteer army.
Petcations
Now your favorite dogs, cats, snakes and lizards can romp freely and pee anywhere they please.
No longer confined to the holds of airplanes, pets will fly first class on regularly scheduled airlines, eating regular airline food, and enjoying all the legroom a gerbil could ask for.
"Jurassic Park" themed islands will welcome your pet while you're off enjoying your same sex, child-free vacations.
Those animals not eating each other may dine on free-range, native vermin. Others may choose counter service. Think of how pleased your goldfish will be sitting at the sushi bar instead of on it.
"Fixed" dogs and cats will have special sniffing buffets where they can commiserate and plan revenge outside the constraints of the Geneva Convention, or their masters.
Special contests will be held, with the meanest pets winning a free stay at secret CIA detainee centers strategically positioned around the globe.
Bosscations
Send your right wing boss/client on an involuntary tour of Guantanamo bay, or perhaps the Baghdad Airport Hilton.
Kidnapped at the front door, your boss will be blindfolded and transported in his or her very own air cargo container to a war zone of your choosing.
Waterboarding, Electro-Stim, and all-night Karaoke sessions will be offered at the spa, compliments of the US Army.
Minimum wage will be paid to your lucky cheapskate employer on stays longer than 3 years.
Prezcations
Send your president on a permanent, all-paid, brush-cutting vacation in the Red State of Texas, free of Presidential Daily Briefs, terrorist threats, and natural disasters.
Peruse the presidential library, with such titles as, A Child's Introduction to Shakespeare, Abe Lincoln's Hat:The Pop-Up Book, and the classic, The Pet Goat.
View the world from 50" plasma screen TVs in every room-- all set to Fox, or just lounge in the Sensory Deprivation Room, where all outside influences can be ignored.
Second thought, forget "Prezcatons." We've already got them.
posted by R. Reynolds at 6:52 AM
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