GOOD, BAD AND PLAIN UGLY

Gripping America is not the President's call for more troops, but The Donald suing The Rosy. Looking for relief from their ugly war, Americans have turned to Mr. Orange Bouffant and Ms. Michelin Dike.

Donald Trump is upset over Rosey O'Donnell's barbed comments on her ABC morning talk show, "The View." Responding to Trump's public defense of Tara Conner (the beautiful, hard-drinking Miss Universe), Rosey called Donald a wife-leaving, kid-sprouting, inheritance-squandering, bankruptcy benefactor who could hardly be considered a model of virtue for 20-year old girls.

He took offense to this, calling Rosey a failure and a disgusting slob and is suing "..to take some money out of her fat-ass pockets."

So what do we have here? One Universally luscious lush, and two publicity hounds considerably harder on the eyes. But it is easier than watching the dead honor roll scrolling on the News Hour with Jim Lehrer.

The Donald has a tough legal case before him. Slander requires lies, and to date, none have surfaced. Donald is a disgusting person and, along with the likes of George W. Bush, he embodies the ugly, stupid, entitled American.

For his part, our mad President is looking for 40,000 new recruits to beef up our armed forces. All they need is 40,000 people who are willing to stand halfway between the Shia and Sunni militiamen and proudly proclaim:

"I am an American Christian, and I am here to democratize you."

An unarmed black man about to be married was filled with 50 bullets, compliments of the NYC police dept. How on Earth will Defense Secretary Robert Gates ever find 40,000 individuals -- each willing to take on more lead than a North Korean reactor?

There are people who are nearly killed every year parking their cars between the two railroad crossing gates, thinking it a parking space. Last year there were 30 such incidents. But where are the rest of the 39,970 recruits coming from?

Is it me, or does Secretary Gates have the brains of a football? He's doing a whirlwind tour of the Green Zone in Baghdad, asking soldiers if they'd like more troops to help them out. That's like asking the New Jersey Giants on a third down and eight, if they'd like a few more linebackers on their next play. "Gee Mr. Gates, sure. Six more would be nice." Where do they find these genius defense secretaries?

Regarding Miss Universe, Tara Conner, MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) has dropped the beauty queen from appearing at their events. No doubt their events tend to be splashy affairs, and missing them will send a clear message to all would-be Miss Universes that partying will not be tolerated.

For her part, Rosie should be mindful of her spotted career. Being thrown off your own magazine after several failed talk shows is no platform from which to launch attacks. Americans already know The Donald is an asshole, but our collective car is parked on the tracks, and we need move it while The Gates is up -- in Iraq.