VIRTUAL WEIGHT LOSS
Electronics have finally become useful. Not since the self-sterilizing vibrator has any electrical device been as welcome as Hewlitt-Packard's new slimming software for their digital cameras.
When they weren't snooping on their board members, HP was developing a technology that virtually strips pounds off video subjects. While most people don't know it, Catie Couric actually weighs 210 lbs. and has huge bags under her eyes. Through HP digital manipulation, she has been photo-shopped into the more eye-pleasing anchor we now see reading the TelePrompTer on the CBS Evening News.
Had Walter Cronkite had this technology, he could have stayed on the air for another 50 years, with blogger Dan Rather sock-puppeting his lips.
Likewise, Callista Lockheart now tops the scales at 185, but you'd never know it. Julia Roberts is now a tubby but cute 214 lbs. Paris Hilton: 210. And Emeril actually weighs 536 lbs. after years of eating his own dishes. Though it can kick you down a notch, weight-wise, the software does have its limits.
Imagine if this software had come out during the birth of television: through thick and thin, Ralph Kramden & Ed Norton, Hardy & Laurel, and Spanky & Alfalfa made us laugh at fat people. HP technology could have changed all that. With the flick of a switch, Kirstie Alley could have starred on "Merely Plump Actress." And "My Big Plump Greek Wedding would most certainly have remained on the air for at least six episodes.
More importantly, we could have been spared the War of the Roses: Roseanne Barr and Rosey McDonald. And John Goodman and Paul Giacometti could have been spared leading roles hunting rats and drinking from spittoons, respectively.
Tragedies, too, could have been averted. Queen Latifah's first husband might not have been lost spelunking her cleavage. And Oprah could have included more than herself on her covers.
Better still, this technology will be a great boon to non-celebs as well. Now, instead of fun-house mirrors in your bedroom, you can have a weight-correcting HP flat-screen mounted over your bed.
Think of how pleased your lover will be when she gets her very own ceiling-mounted HP slimming camera and monitor. Throw in a pair of robot arms and your 12-pack abs will never be jiggled or seen again.
HP hopes to make a smaller version of its slimming technology built right into eyeglasses. Portly people will appear perfectly trim. Sadly, thin people will look like number 2 pencils, and your John Henry will disappear altogether, but they're working on it. They're also working on getting your social security number without getting caught.
With this new shrinking technology, people in Red State supermarkets will actually look normal again. And just think about the money Americans will save not buying expensive meats and self-help books. Imagine the money they'll save by just "saying no" to Viagra.
And best of all, regarding your new, virtual shape, it's real, because you saw it on TV.
Since our presidents and wars, and indeed, reality in this country are all electronically manipulated, why not bring that science home where we could sorely use it?
Electronics have finally become useful. Not since the self-sterilizing vibrator has any electrical device been as welcome as Hewlitt-Packard's new slimming software for their digital cameras.
When they weren't snooping on their board members, HP was developing a technology that virtually strips pounds off video subjects. While most people don't know it, Catie Couric actually weighs 210 lbs. and has huge bags under her eyes. Through HP digital manipulation, she has been photo-shopped into the more eye-pleasing anchor we now see reading the TelePrompTer on the CBS Evening News.
Had Walter Cronkite had this technology, he could have stayed on the air for another 50 years, with blogger Dan Rather sock-puppeting his lips.
Likewise, Callista Lockheart now tops the scales at 185, but you'd never know it. Julia Roberts is now a tubby but cute 214 lbs. Paris Hilton: 210. And Emeril actually weighs 536 lbs. after years of eating his own dishes. Though it can kick you down a notch, weight-wise, the software does have its limits.
Imagine if this software had come out during the birth of television: through thick and thin, Ralph Kramden & Ed Norton, Hardy & Laurel, and Spanky & Alfalfa made us laugh at fat people. HP technology could have changed all that. With the flick of a switch, Kirstie Alley could have starred on "Merely Plump Actress." And "My Big Plump Greek Wedding would most certainly have remained on the air for at least six episodes.
More importantly, we could have been spared the War of the Roses: Roseanne Barr and Rosey McDonald. And John Goodman and Paul Giacometti could have been spared leading roles hunting rats and drinking from spittoons, respectively.
Tragedies, too, could have been averted. Queen Latifah's first husband might not have been lost spelunking her cleavage. And Oprah could have included more than herself on her covers.
Better still, this technology will be a great boon to non-celebs as well. Now, instead of fun-house mirrors in your bedroom, you can have a weight-correcting HP flat-screen mounted over your bed.
Think of how pleased your lover will be when she gets her very own ceiling-mounted HP slimming camera and monitor. Throw in a pair of robot arms and your 12-pack abs will never be jiggled or seen again.
HP hopes to make a smaller version of its slimming technology built right into eyeglasses. Portly people will appear perfectly trim. Sadly, thin people will look like number 2 pencils, and your John Henry will disappear altogether, but they're working on it. They're also working on getting your social security number without getting caught.
With this new shrinking technology, people in Red State supermarkets will actually look normal again. And just think about the money Americans will save not buying expensive meats and self-help books. Imagine the money they'll save by just "saying no" to Viagra.
And best of all, regarding your new, virtual shape, it's real, because you saw it on TV.
Since our presidents and wars, and indeed, reality in this country are all electronically manipulated, why not bring that science home where we could sorely use it?
posted by R. Reynolds at 7:40 AM
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